Some days....

Some days are faced with heavy hearts.

One of my daughter's has been officially diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome. Even thought this is something we were kind clued into from early on, we kind of skirted around the issue for a long time. Recently,we needed to bite the bullet so she can get what she needs in school. To finally hear the official diagnosis is something that makes my chest just  a bit heavy. 

Today was just a bit hard.

She's one of the main reasons that I have gone so into left field with organic/non-toxic living. There is so much about life I can't control for my children, that feeding them good food, and giving them a safe place to be is something I can control.

To me food is like medicine, and the fact that people are messing with it really upsets me, because it affects my children. And that it's not so accessible and expensive doesn't make me happy either.

Along with the organic food, we've had her on a  modified diet for  a while. I think it  has helped her immensely( organic food, no artificial dyes, preservatives,additives, high magnesium, balanced omega's). But it still breaks me to my core when I face up the reality of what faces her in life. And even though nothing is going to change with what we do for her, there's still a piece of me that wishes it were different.

Maybe it's more selfish on my part because it's just not what I want for her.

I know my kids are going to have challenges in life, I just don't want them starting from behind.

The thing is, she is really smart and funny, and bright.

But also just  a bit difficult as well. She doesn't have what you would think Tourette's is... the classic shouting swear words and uncontrolled uncensored thoughts that they show in movies.  It is classified in a tic disorder spectrum, and for her, it manifests as eye rolling, throat clearing, grimacing and a few other motor/vocal things.  We already have her in OT which has helped a lot, but it's  a long road. We've been told many times it's genetic and not caused by anything outside, they think, but that doesn't stop me from thinking back to my pregnancy and wondering if I should have done something differently; You know that classic mother's guilt.

I keep reminding myself that it's not a terminal thing and tons of people have this, and their lives are very happy and very normal. But, even though there's many things we are doing for her, there is nothing as  a mother I can do to take it away.

So for me the journey for cleaner and purer living is so much more that buying  into the hype. When I read studies that there is a direct link to pesticides and ADHD, I really sit up and take notice. Today was one of those days that really affirms that I am taking the right road for the right reasons.

The choice of GM food...Can it be taken away?

Genetically modified food.

We may soon not have  a choice.

I just read a report that GM canola has escaped fields in Canada and is found growing wild along the side of the road and in PARKING LOTS.

It makes me sick.

If they can't control their plants in farmlands surrounded by nothing else, who is to say when there are fields upon fields that eventually all canola and other crops will be GM and there will be NO WAY to actually grow non-GM, organic foods? Our choice is being taken away.

And people think it's okay.

Why does the government not do something about this? Why is it going to be okay for one company to own all of the food in the world someday? That certainly worked out well for the oil industry didn't it? They certainly are taking every precaution for safety, right?

Where is our right as a consumer and when will they realize; you cannot control a living thing.

MY other questions are: What happens when the plant dies? Do the GM genes remain in the soil? Can you ever get rid of GM genes and start over? What about cousin pants like broccoli? Can they cross like pumpkins and watermelons?

Summer rain...

One thing I love the most about summer is sitting up late and listening to the rain hit against the metal roof fan. I hate air conditioning, I could swelter all summer long and be happy. I feel like the warm times are much too short in Chicago. I hate the cold. I ache all winter from it and long to be outside in the sun.

I can hear it drizzling now and want to open the windows. It always amazes me how loud summer is. Between the different cadences of the cicadas, the trilling of the toads, croaking of the frogs and the crickets kind of chiming in; it actually makes for the loudest noise pollution ever.  But why is it a neighbors party half as loud would keep us up, but the nature lulls us to sleep?

And then the  heavy rain comes and for  a moment the night is still and quiet and warm.

But then suddenly the  rain subsides and everyone starts to put their two cents in again.

The next day when the sun comes out and starts to burn all of the moisture from the grass, I love to go out and weed. 

It amazes me how good it feels to get down on my hands and knees and just start pulling out everything that just popped up over night. It's like perfect work for the soul. I love tall weeds the most; they come out root and all with the wet ground.We have these grasses that lay flat against the regular grass. I have to gather them up to pull them out and it always surprises me how long they really are because they lay so innocuous against the ground. Sometimes I have to dig my fingers into the  dirt to get the root, and then there's that damp loamy, earthy smell that comes up as the dirt kind of crumbles and clings to my fingers, mushing itself under my nails to be tortuously scraped out later. But in the moment, the smell is grounding and almost primal, and the minute I get that out, root and all, I feel just  a little bit accomplished.

There is something so satisfying about clearing even a small patch and seeing the possibilities of the bare earth. Whether it to let other plants get bigger, just clean up an area or even start something new, it's such instant gratification to toss a huge pile of green into the compost and think for just one moment that I beat nature; even if it's just  a little.